Below is a genuine letter to NTL about their services.

Dear Cretins

I have been an AOL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this three
month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
you can either pursue your professional perogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H
and drinking vendor - coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial instalation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent another 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot women telling me to look at your helpfull website.... how? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill
bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
After several further phone calls (actually 15 calls over 4 weeks) my modem
arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay
for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday and most of the useless periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly trained bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line
is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone is available
(and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been redirected to an answering machine
informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not telephone line is available (and than been
redirected to the irritating Scotish robot woman... and several other
variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly, I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me therefore,
if I continue.

I thought that BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I was therefore, when I discovered what
a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You sputum-filled pieces of
disended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom -
wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the
filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
recieve any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclosed two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappoitment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Yours psychotically

XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX