A guy walks into a bar looking real down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks the guy what is wrong. "My wife told me if I ever come home drunk again, she was going to divorce me."

The bartender tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, it was probably just a threat. The guy agrees with the bartender and proceeds to get drunk. After more shots of rum and tequila than he can count, the man is sitting with his face down at the bar and pukes all over his shirt. after realizing what he had done, the man starts to panic. "What am I going to do? My wife is going to kick me out of the house and take everything I've got." The bartender calms him down and tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket and tell his wife it was some other drunk who puked all over him and he gave him the twenty to cover the shirt.

After a couple cups of coffee the guy drives home to find his wife packing her bags. He starts to explain what happened to his shirt and he pulls out two $20 bills to show his wife. Wondering why the man gave her husband $40, the wife asks, "What's the other $20 bill for?" the husband replies, "he crapped in my pants too."

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit angry, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."!